The Year in Retrospect

I'm listening to Christmas music on Pandora and I suppose feeling a bit maudlin. Girl stuff. Go figure. It's chilly outside, a bit cloudy, folks are down the hall talking about nonsensical stuff having nothing to do with the office, we're a week away from Christmas, I'm not really feeling it and I'm reminiscing.

This year has had some good stuff and it's had a lot of "crap" in it too....

February was fun, but felt a bit foreboding. I don't know why. I remember Brandon and I going out the last weekend in February on a Friday to pick up a camera from Best Buy. I was excited about it but felt "off" about buying it. It wasn't that it was terribly expensive, I just had a feeling we'd need the money soon. That night, we went camping with Jason and Ryan up at Magnolia Branch. Mowglie had found my phone that fell out of my pocket prior to our departure in our Casita and had a great ole' time killing it. When we arrived to the camp, the gate was locked and no one was around to let us in. We talked to some of the guys who worked there and got in with no problems and set up.

It froze that night. While we were setting up and eating, we literally watched frost form on the tables/chairs and our rigs. Jason and Brandon built a huge fire and we had a good meal, sat around and shot the shit, then went to bed. We had a big adventure ahead of us with a row down the river. That was a good day.

March. I don't remember everything about that day, Monday the 2nd, but it devastated me. A huge part of me lost trust in so much. Hubs feels the same I'm sure. It also put a huge strain on us. Financially. I went about my day and came home the next day to start making dinner when the phone rang.

My mom was on the other line asking me if I had a moment to talk...then added, Uninterrupted. I was like oh shit, wtf is this about? I wasn't ready to talk about the day before and figured she'd found out somehow. She opened by saying, your father had some tests. I remember distinctly literally moaning, oh mom, no.....

He'd had open heart surgery the day before. He'd not been feeling well and his doctor ran some tests and said he required immediate surgery to correct a faulty valve. I felt so devastated no one had said anything. Reading back on this I had to cover my face and take a moment for a few deep breaths. I said to her well, while we're sharing shitty news, listen to this...and told her about our blow from the day before and lamented on how we were going to live, to survive what was supposed to be 2-4 months which has actually turned into 9 freaking months of struggle. Yes I've done it with a grin (or grimace) and we've done okay and not been broken from it, but the wondering what the next day will bring as it's not exactly been a cake walk or what I'd like to think of as easy/steady has been the worst. I have so much gray hair now it's insane. There have been days I've felt like taking a ride to anywhere but here....The next day, we found out his Grandmother had to have surgery on her stomach to remove a cancerous portion. Days after that, I scheduled an overdue first mammogram.

HAH! Trepidatiously I went to that appointment, filled out necessary paperwork complete with family history and had the actual exam. Not as bad as I thought it would be. The next day was our 10 year anniversary, which was uneventful, but that was okay. Couple days later, I get a call from the hospital saying that I'd need another set of films made as they'd found a "spot" that looked suspicious. What they called microcalcifiations. GREAT. Turn on the waterworks. Will this shit end?? They didn't have an opening for a couple weeks, so I had to wait.

I go to THAT appointment and had to wait about an hour to be seen. I talked to a lady who was there for an upper GI and we traded war stories. Lots of folks out there with worse situations than me. I was finally called back and had an explanation with further detail as to why I was back there.

I said it's my left breast, right? She said yes, you have some microcalcifiations in the ducts that are more than likely benign, but we do want a second look. Oh and I also find out I have fibrocystic changes in both breasts. She said with a humorous look, at least your boobs are firm and not fat and saggy like mine. Hmmm...there is a silver lining in every cloud I suppose...I think of that every now and then when I catch a glimpse of my naked torso in the mirror and smile, oddly :)

The tech told me they'd let me know before I left whether or not the changes were cancerous or not. So I disrobed, had my stuff checked out and sat back to wait. She came out and said the doctor felt the spots were benign but that he wanted to see me again in 6 months as this was a first time exam and they had nothing to go on and compare it with. Relief! She recommended Vitamin E and Evening Primrose for pain.

My sister Amelia called and we talked in depth about Dad, us and informed me she was expecting. Good news amidst so much bad. Finally :)

So I shopped wiser, made lists, did inventories of stuff prior to grocery shopping, used the outdoors to dry clothes, made enough for leftovers for lunches/other dinners, stopped buying my "fancy" coffee, quit buying my favorite creamer I loved, changed my phone plan, tried to consolidate buying trips into ONE trip instead of several, quit eating lunch out, drank powdered drinks instead of cokes, etc. Hubby even quit smoking! That is fantastic!!!!!

Dad got better and went back to work.

I got a phone call from a friend about a band we both adore who were coming close to her. HAH I couldn't afford that and explained to her why. Somehow I wound up buying a ticket to Texas and she forked out half the cash for the ticket. Holy crap I'm going to Texas :) and I did. I had what felt like someone else living my life for a few days experience. At the airport, my friend called me prior to my boarding and said did you read your email???? We're getting passes to meet the band. holy crap was all I could think. I had a mission now! :) I boarded my plane from Montgomery and flew to Dallas Fort Worth, experienced the sky rail for the first time, had a burger then had time to sit for a second before boarding an airplane to Austin.

Another 45 minutes and I was in Austin and preparing to meet a friend I'd only met online and spoken to on the phone for the last few years :) Very exciting! We were to go see Whitesnake the next two days, then a day of doing nothing then my trip home.

The show was GREAT, we had not only backstage passes, but also two seats closer than what she'd been able to purchase. Douglas was quite generous. I was ecstatic to say the least. I called Hubby after we picked those up at the will call to tell him the fantastic news. A bright light in a darkened year :) We went backstage after the show and met with Douglas and Uriah and floated home on clouds of music and memories of the great show and meeting/hanging out with friends. We drove down to Corpus Christi the next day and repeated the whole thing minus meeting with the band afterwards. I was able to see the memorial to Selena as well...Great great trip.

The return home not so great. I found out my aging Grandfather was moved into a hospital for COPD then into hospice that Wednesday - the day I went back to work after my Texas trip. He passed away the next day. He was 97. I've blogged on this so I won't repeat it. I will say I do miss him. He was my one remaining Grand-parent. That was my July.

Not too much happened the next month. September rolled around as did my birthday. The day before that event, I went back to the radiology department for my next mammogram - 6 mo check up. More tests for which I brought my husband along for for support. No changes! Hurrah! I go back again in March and we'll go from there.

October rolled in and my folks called me as I was pulling out of my driveway. They told me that my sister had gone into the hospital the night before to give birth to her son. She'd not delivered yet, so I re-routed and went there instead of work. Luckily I'd brought my bag of clothes with me :) The little man came at 11:02 that night. Gorgeous little happy baby boy who's about to have his first Christmas. I hope he likes Dr. Seuss as he grows up. :) I'm very proud of Amelia and Eric.

November brought Grady home to us. A 6.5 year old Newfie boy who was surrendered by his former owners. He has been a great addition to the house. He's also been blogged about - from beginning to pretty much present day...

Now we're in December and the year is almost over...we're doing things sort of slowly. We're sort of not "feeling it". I have two weeks off starting Tuesday of next week and am looking forward to it. My plans are to re-arrange the bird room, finish up going through clothes to get rid of...those are immediate goals, not sure about what else I want to accomplish as of yet....

an old blog from another website - Scary stuff

Ok...stuff that scares me or some such....

A few years ago, we'd taken the two big dogs down to Fort Blakely for a walk thru the park. Had to hit the big boardwalk that borders the Tensaw. Nice quiet body of water marred only by the occasional boater heading down stream to where the Appalachee River cuts off to the right down by the causeway and where it stops being the Tensaw and becomes the Blakely. Anyways...
It was fall, sort of misty outside, just a few people in the park other than us. You could see the RSA tower that wasn't quite finished being built in the distance and the Cochrane Bridge even closer to it across the delta in Mobile. Nice picture to look at on a lazy day on the water. Peaceful.
Gives something for one to muse on, like......how long would it take for me to get there from here, etc.

A fog had started to roll up river and from where we stood; it casually obliterated the view south. Woosh, the RSA tower was suddenly gone. Rain began to fall so we moseyed on down the boardwalk and came upon a marine police boat and another motor boat that was abandoned. The police were just sitting there, anchored in the water, but no one was home on the other boat. Strange.

Glancing up, one could see the fog had moved in even closer and the rain started falling a little heavier. The dogs were getting antsy and to be honest, it was very reminiscent of Stephen King’s novella, 'The Mist'. A hollowed sounding crackle emanated from the police boat and shrouded in the rain one could see the outline of a man in the cabin of the boat looking towards us. Odder by the moment.

Here we were standing on the banks of the site of THE last major battle of the Civil War, this intense fog was rolling closer by the second, the rain was falling down, an abandoned boat was yards from us in alligator infested water, the marine police were staring our way and all I could think about was please, Dear Lord, don't let there be Tygers....

I actually started a short story of my own which I've not finished about the experience as it really made an impact in my day. We sat in a little shelter for about a half hour and when the rain let up slightly I suggested we head back to the truck and go back home. :) By that time, the fog was almost upon us and the police were still sitting there in their boat. The silence, barely broken by our soft murmurs and the crackle of their radio mixing with the music of the rain on the surface of the water was the only other sound you could hear.

Live another day....

climb a little higher...find another reason to stay....ashes in your hands...mercy in your eyes...if you're searching for a silent sky...You won't find it here....look another way...you won't find it there...so die another day.........

I'm sitting here in the dark on the floor of our bedroom with a big black dog beside me while Brandon's sleeping. Bava's snoring softly and I'm reminiscing about my trip thinking how wonderful it was to meet my friends who I've had for years but never met in person. I received a beautiful email tonight that rounded out my trip.

The last couple days after my trip have been a little rough. Welcome back to reality, eh? :) Kind of like Cinderella after the ball. Lost my shoe and haven't found it ever since. I have found a sort of weird detached view on alllllll the "stuff" of life. Right now I'm looking back on my day and wondering what I was doing when it happened. Eating I think. I didn't keep my receipt or I'd know better an approximate time. You know? Like what were you doing..............when.

I lost my grandfather almost 12 hours ago. Probably when I was sitting feeling relaxed eating a salad. Oddly enough, I was feeling quite good about life during lunch, that I wasn't going to worry about "stuff".

I found out after going to the grocery store for some things for dinner. Strangely I didn't cry, then. I bawled my eyes out yesterday when I learned of the imminence of his death; when I found out he was being moved into hospice. I also cried talking to my mother when she'd called me back after I'd gotten home from the grocery store. Again upon seeing a post from my hubby including a photo of me, my Dad and my Gramps when we'd driven to get the XJ6 6 or 7 years ago...the same 6 or 7 years ago that led me to my friends who I was visiting earlier this week. Strange how fate comes back around...I did not however cry upon the news of his passing. Horribly I felt an alarming sense of relief that he was no longer suffering. He was in bad shape.

I'd like to think he's sitting with my Granny right now re-hashing the past several years they've been apart.

Gramps, I love you and will miss you. I'll see you another day.

What now?

Ever have one of those days/weeks/months/LIVES where it seems everything goes wrong?

Found out today that my elderly Grandfather was being put in hospice. He's almost 97 and has really gone downhill over the last year or so.

I re-read the email a couple times, swore outloud and much to my own chagrin cried. My boss happened to be in my office at the time. He im'd my buddy down the hall and told her to take me out of the office for awhile and see if that would help. She thought he was joking and said she was feeling bad too and wanted a beer. He said take her out and you two go do that! LOL What a guy.

I talked to my Dad who is down there now with him and my Aunt and heard just how bad he is. COPD, pneumonia, high WBC, poor breathing, semi-comatose. I also spoke to my Mom and had another good cry. It's bad. They're not thinking he'll last more than a week.

Gramps - I remember you taking my hand in New Hampshire in your garage on Juniper Lane up in North Hampton and asking me if I would like a milkshake. At the time you were putting away golf balls and my 4-year old immature mind thought for some reason that milkshakes were made with golf balls. I always found that intriguing and have a little smile when I think back on that. Granny will be so pleased to see you again after 19 years of being apart. You will always be someone I'll look up to...if we don't meet again in this life, I'll be looking for you in the next.

Melissa